I refer myself a lot to the Bible and to ancient Greek mythologies.
I find they are full of beautiful stories, metaphors and allegories for our spiritual journeys.
And athough I do not categorise myself in any particular religions, I search for evidence and wisdom wherever I can find it, whether they are words of Jesus, Allah, Oprah, or even random Instagram quotes.
That's just how I roll.
The story of the fallen angel Lucifer, is beyond all my favorite.
Lucifer was the most beautiful and preferred angels of the kingdom of God.
One day, out of fear and confusion, Lucifer sinned and got casted away from the Heavens.
** A note on "SINS":
"To sin" doesn't mean to have x glasses of wines, to smoke cigarettes or to sniff coke.
A sin, is a behaviour rooted in fear that separate us from GOD.
Like: lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride.
Humans aren't meant to act within those, yet IT IS PART of our spiritual journey to experience them.
And, what brings me OUT of myself is how people tend to SHAME sinners.
Here is the nugget of wisdom:
Nobody ever sins out of bad intentions.
We sin because we forget that we are worthy of Love.
My article today is a praise to Lucifer and words of compassion for my sinning self and all others sinners of the world.
This is the story of how I fell
from the heavens
I was 22 years old and just came back from beautiful Bali where I just became a yoga teacher.
I was dating an incredible spiritual man who was also life coach and living in the abundance of life, which is the feeling of joy and gratitude.
My body felt incredible, my immune system was working to its full potential and my spirit was constantly at play.
I couldn't wait to share and help people live to that standard. I knew exactly what the next steps of my journey were: create my own coaching practice and inspire people to rise up.
But I didn't.
For one very specific reason, that almost cost me my own life:
I wanted to fit in
I wanted to fit in so badly that I stopped shining my light.
"Fitting in" means: playing small, not voicing our truth and not being of our greatest service.
Fitting feels somehow "safer".
I repeat again that important concept: Before any sin, there is a moment of separation when we stop believing that who we are is enough and when we stop believing that who we are matter.
I understand now that's usually when people pray.
But my 22 years old self didn't,
And so the fall began.
By partying mainly,
But not like a "Let's have fun and party" - kind of partying (which I abslolutely love doing).
It was more a => "Let's party HARD and drink and take drugs and fuck with whoever, because alcohol, drugs and cheap sex are the only things I can find that numb my feelings and to keep me in zombie land" kind of partying.
I felt lost in a massive labyrinth with no thread to guide me back to the surface.
I felt hopeless.
Every moment of the day was a sin to myself.
One massive lie, in which I cheated, betrayed, small talked and gossiped.
And it wasn't a light and gradual descent to hell.
It was a brutal fall.
My physical health also deteriorated quickly and, in less then 3 months I grew some kind of herpes all over my mouth and inside my throat.
I went to the doctor with my best friend and the woman didn't even take some time to listen to me, she just prescribed me with a tablet of strong antibiotics to stop the infection from spreading and some probiotics.
That's how the Health care system works mostly. Fucken alarming.
Mentally I turned crazy, and I was too scared to talk to anyone about it because I felt that nobody would understand me.
Spiritually and emotionally I felt stuck in the past. There was no flow in my body at all. I was totally numb of ANY emotions, which is fucken scary if you have ever experienced it.
No empathy, no joy, not even fear, or sadness.
Ah yes sorry,
I had those 2: shame and anger.
So much shame that, when I went back to Bali I couldn't even look at the waitresses in the eyes when ordering at the restaurant. My inner world felt too disgusting to let people look at my shit.
And then MASSIVE waves of ANGER. Towards myself, towards my family, who were so so loving and yet who I felt couldn't understand me.
I had become dangerous and toxic for myself and for the ones that I loved.
My immune system went haywire, and I got massive urianry infection.
It felt as if I had failed at my mission and God was telling me that I was no longer of use on this planet.
It felt as if I was dying.
I went back to Bali where my dear loving sister welcomed the doors of her Rumah to me.
I remember laying down on her bed, with tears rolling down my chicks as I screamed inwardly to GOD for the first time. It sounded like that:
- "God, WHY? GOD what happened to me? Why even live, if I am NOT living within your JOY?
- Why even live?
I'm not kidding, I truly pondered that question.
- WHY even live?
2 things saved me:
- My family. Because they don't deserve me going and I could not do that to them.
- And a voice that said: "You HAVE to trust".
That day, I made the promise to myself,
that I will heal and that I will rise again,
and that my message will serve others.
Since then I have been so interested in stories of THE FALL.
Through my years of research, I have found very little scripture about the subject.
There is so much self growth book out there, but rare are the people who would talk about HELL and about THE FALL.
I have found 2 pieces of work that have helped me understand more my own journey.
Joseph Campbell talks about it in it in his book "The hero's journey", and I have found this sentence from the Gospel of Thomas in a book called "The Great work of your Life" by Stephen Cope.
I hope they help you as much as they have helped me rise back.
"Refusal of the summons converts the adventure into its negative. Walled in boredom, hard work, or 'culture,' the subject loses the power of significant affirmative action and becomes a victim to be saved. His flowering world becomes a wasteland of dry stones and his life feels meaningless—even though, like King Minos, he may through titanic effort succeed in building an empire or renown. Whatever house he builds, it will be a house of death: a labyrinth of cyclopean walls to hide from him his minotaur. All he can do is create new problems for himself and await the gradual approach of his disintegration."
The Gospel of Thomas:
"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."